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The Single Most Essential Requirement for Successful Decluttering

8/7/2021

22 Comments

 
On more than one occasion, I have made the mistake of accepting jobs with clients who have been referred to me by family members. In one case, a woman hired me to work with her adult daughter, a single mother of four. On another occasion, a son and daughter-in-law (who lived out of state) asked me to work with his parents who were in their nineties.

In both situations, there was a clear need for the assistance of a professional organizer, and I completed several sessions with good result, but the results were short-lived. I would return each week to find that little effort had been made in my absence to maintain what had been accomplished on my previous visit. Both cases ended with me contacting the referring family member to tell them I no longer felt comfortable taking their money. Why? Because both the adult daughter and the aging parents lacked the most essential requirement for successful, long-term decluttering: desire.

While it was clear to me, and to their loved ones, that they could assuredly benefit from a decrease in clutter combined with an increase in organization, neither felt particularly compelled to embrace the process. In all honesty, I suspect that both felt a tad resentful at having their space invaded by a stranger in order to quell the unwelcome judgments of well-meaning (but meddlesmone) family members. 

I could have helped the elderly couple and the single mom. I could have made their lives easier and their spaces more comfortable. I could have saved them time, and money, and frustration. None of that mattered, though, because they didn't really want my help. They liked their spaces the way they were. They liked their stuff and didn't feel a need to part with anything. Because they had no desire to declutter, any efforts by outsiders to help them do so were destined for eventual, if not immediate, failure. 
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Clutter is Relative


One person's clutter is another person's comfort. This being the case, it is impossible, not to mention inconsiderate, to inflict decluttering on another adult person.  It won't work. The minute they are left to manage their space as they like, the clutter will return. They will, in all likelihood, seek it out in order to restore a sense of normalcy and ownership to their space. 

This reluctance (or downright refusal) on the part of family members to clear away the clutter can be frustrating to say the least, but think of it from their perspective. Would you want someone telling you what you should do with your things? Do you not consider yourself the authority on your stuff? 

What appears to be clutter to some seems entirely appropriate, and even desireable, to others. This point is reinforced to me a couple of times a year when we visit my father-in-law whose relationship with stuff is completely foreign to me. 
​

Some People Just Like Stuff


My father-in-law loves stuff. Personally, I take Marie Kondo at her word. If an item - in and of itself - does not bring me joy, I find it a new home. For my father-in-law, simply obtaining things brings him joy, and having them fills him with comfort. The nature or quality of a particular thing has no real bearing on its ability to bring him satisfaction. It isn't the thing itself but the possesion of it that seems to bring him pleasure. He just loves aquiring and having things. Let me share an example (or two) to illustrate my point.

On our most recent visit he couldn't wait to show me his latest acqisition. 
"Check out this desk I found on the side of the road. It was free." (It looked free.) 

It was obvious from the enthusiastic anticipation on his face that he was waiting for me to congratulate him on the procurement of this amazing find, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. Instead I said, "Do you need another desk?" knowing full well that he does not. He has seven desks. I counted them. 

"No," he smiled, unperturbed by the failed attempt at affirmation. "But it was free." 

This exchange is only too common between us. Ask me about the second sewing machine. - he does not know how to sew - or the bicycle he paid to have resurrected after stumbling across it at the dump (yes, the dump). He is 77 years old, and one has to traverse no less than a minimum of four miles of gravel roads in any given direction in order to get to his house.  Members of our family (my husband and I included) have had flat tires on three occasions driving on those gravel roads. What on earth does he want with a junkyard bicycle?

​Dad likes to think that he will ride the bicycle or learn to use the sewing machine (both of which he has had without using for over a year now), but in all honesty, he isn't the least bit concerned about whether or not they actually earn their keep. He just likes having them.​
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To Each His Own


As a person who loves order, I used to cringe a little encountering all the loose screws and empty plastic containers and other odds and ends my husband's father insists on keeping. I used to grumble to myself every time I opened the ridiculously heavy drawer in his kitchen where he keeps his 17 frying pans (two or three of which he actually uses).  It used to bother me terribly thinking about the fact that some day my husband and his brother are going to have to deal with all that stuff. 

How am I able to make those statements in the past tense? Because I've come to a realization. His stuff is his stuff. It's his life, and his house. He isn't a hoarder. His place, while not as orderly and neat as my own, is perfectly presentable. Most importantly, though, it brings him joy. It makes him happy to have his things about him, no matter how unnecessary and lacking in value some of those things may seem to others. 

While the professional in me wishes that all the world would embrace the wisdom of living a clutter-free life, the daughter in me has come to realize that it's just stuff, and for now it has a happy home with someone who values it.

Possessions are highly personal in nature. There is no sense in trying to define the worth of someone else's belongings for them. For this reason, those of us who are inclined toward order must sometimes learn to be patient and accepting of those who happily inhabit the other end of the clutter spectrum.
​
22 Comments
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  • Home
  • About Sheri
    • Contact
    • Services >
      • FAQ
      • The Organization Process
      • Packages & Plans
      • Presentations
      • Results
      • Why Hire an Organizer?
  • Organization Basics
    • Declutter Your Home >
      • Basics of Home Organization
      • Household Cleaning Schedule
      • Tips for a Quick Declutter
    • Basics of Decluttering >
      • 4 T's of Decluttering
      • Clutter vs Decor
      • Coming to Terms with Your Clutter Personality
      • Conquer Clutter
      • Principles of Organization
      • The Proven Process for Organizing Everything
      • Purge Like a Pro
      • Rules for Decluttering
      • Steps to Declutter
      • Systems for Decluttering
    • Organizing by Room >
      • Bathroom >
        • Bathroom Storage Solutions
        • DIY Bathroom Wall Storage
        • Declutter Hair Accessories
        • Declutter Your Makeup
        • Declutter Your Medicine Cabinet
      • Bedroom >
        • Bedroom Storage Solutions
        • How to Declutter Clothing
        • How to Organize Your Closet
      • Entry
      • Home Office >
        • Declutter Your Files
      • Kids' Rooms >
        • Toy Storage Tips
        • Toy Storage Options
        • Maintaining Kids' Rooms
      • Kitchen >
        • Primary Kitchen Work Zones
        • Secondary Kitchen Work Zones
        • Movable Kitchen Storage
        • How to Declutter Kitchen Cabinets
        • How to Organize Kitchen Cabinets
        • Kitchen Cabinet Space Savers
        • How to Declutter a Refrigerator
        • Tips for Organizing a Refrigerator
        • Meal Planning
        • How to Organize Recipes
      • Pantry >
        • Pantry Inspiration
    • Storage Solutions >
      • Assessing Your Storage Needs
      • How to Create a Whole House Storage Plan
      • Storage Kits
      • Storage Unit Dos and Don'ts: An Organizer's Perspective
    • Information Management >
      • How to Establish an Information Management System
      • How to Organize with Lists
      • Declutter Papers
      • Deciding What Paperwork to Keep
    • Family >
      • How to Raise an Organized Child
      • Teaching Kids to Work
    • Productivity >
      • Stop Procrastinating and Declutter
      • The Myths of Multitasking
      • 7 Strategies for Single Tasking
    • Lifestyle >
      • College Prep >
        • College Packing List
        • Dorm Room Essentials
        • What Not to Take to College
      • Holiday Planning >
        • Declutter Your Holidays
        • Clutter-free Gift Giving
        • Give the Best Gifts
        • Organize Your Gift Giving
      • Preparing for Transition >
        • Aging with Grace and Purpose >
          • Estate Planning
          • Organizing for Alzheimer's Disease
        • Adult Children
      • Travel Planning >
        • Air Travel with Kids
        • Sightseeing with Kids
        • Tips for Care-free Travel
        • Traveling with Kids
    • Moving >
      • Creating a Household Inventory
      • Organize Your Move
      • Planning for a Move
      • Moving Options
      • Prepare for Movers
      • Working with Movers
      • Tips for Packing
      • Tips for Unpacking
  • Resources
    • Books >
      • Moving Made Easy
    • Challenges >
      • Get Rid of 100 Things in 100 Days
    • Newsletter
    • Product Recommendations >
      • Organization Gems Every Girl Needs
      • 12 Amazing Organization Products for Men
      • Fabulous Farmhouse Storage Solutions
      • Crazy Cool Products That Will Make You Want to Clean
      • Best Board Games for Beating Boredom
    • Donate Your Stuff >
      • Donate Books
      • Donate Clothes
      • Donate Craft Supplies
      • Donate DVDs & More
      • Donate or Recycle Electronics
      • Donate Furniture
      • Donate Musical Instruments
      • Donate School Supplies
      • Donate Sports Equipment
      • Donate Used Toys
    • Recycling Resources
    • Sell Your Stuff >
      • Garage Sale Organization
    • Swap Your Stuff
    • Setting Goals
    • Tools for Organizing >
      • Furniture >
        • Organize with Dressers
      • Wall Storage >
        • Organize with Pegboards
        • Personalized Pegboards
  • Blog